oh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

It doesn't seem fair that some people have life so easy (do not argue sides on this, as I am not), and others have life so fucking hard that it feels like the walls and the ceiling and the sky are crashing down and that death is not only imminent, but the goal of life. This no pity party. Anyone who has experienced such a state of mind, such a heavy burden on their shoulders, knows that pity and sympathy and words are completely meaningless. The attempt at consolation is like trying to cover a shotgun wound with a band-aid, a nice attempt, appreciated even, but always falls short.

Even worse, is when someone has seen both sides of the spectrum, when someone can see the beauty and the warmth and the love of everyday life, when it is so close but so far. When someone is in a state like this, and do not try to understand if you have not experience it, it begins to feel like everything is cold, the sky, the buildings, the people, everything. It is like being trapped in a sealed, anti-septic glass room in the middle of everything. People are smiling, laughing, but the physical act of being happy is just that; a physical act. There is no emotion attached to it, no feeling, except maybe anger and jealousy and resentment for not being able to understand such a basic human emotion.

And what is even more horrible is when your life is like a revolving door, every morning you never quite know which side you will wake up on. Will you wake up happy and energetic and full of life. Or will you wake up and wish that you could just stay in bed all day and never have to see the sunlight or the feel the air or see everyone being so happy. so fucking happy.

I don't expect you to understand.

"To win is important. To compete is imperative."

This slogan was branded across a Best Western hotel sign that I saw the other night. You know, those large plastic signs with fluorescent lights that flicker occasionally, that always have a missing letter, blown off a few weeks prior but never replaced. There were no missing letters this time, as to not mistake the powerful and inspiring message that they felt needed to be told.

The longing to compete in sports, or anything else for that matter, never really materialized for me. I mean, sure I've been in some pretty intense UNO games, but put me on a field with a football and I will probably hit you with it.

I guess I just don't understand.

i dont have much to say right now.

hi. im back. i think