kill your tv: 21.04.02

A few days ago, on some sort of trip to spite my own will, I ran. Yes, I know I know, running leads to increased breathing and muscle strain. I know how bad it is for me, but for some reason I did it anyway.

It was a fast, knee jerking, stealing-candy-from-a-store, impulse decision. Every millisecond counts in a decision like this, and decisions are made before they reach the reasoning portion of the brain.

So, clad in blue jeans, a black dandy warhols t-shirt, and some old running shoes I furiously dug up from the closet, I took off running out my door.

I ran till my legs got so pissed off that they were screaming silent four letter words. Then I stopped and turned around.

By the time I made it back to my apartment building I was gasping for air, my legs felt like noodles (neglected ramen noodles in boiling water, not pretty). I felt like crawling the last fifty feet, but I figured that would look strange. So, step by step, I made it to my apartment and to the couch.

I really need to get back in to shape. I think I may even get a gym membership.

I haven't really be in a writing mood as of late. A lot has happened in the last four days, far too much to write about here, and despite strong bearing in my life, there mention is nothing more then trivial. So I will spare you that. Instead I will just just write some pretentious sappy crap.

the sky twists and splinters, ground splits and twitches. soft, feather breeze against my face, child peers through adult eyes. a simple life, so complicated. could be different, i suppose, can't change with indifference. a seven step program and a seven step life. easy steps. bearable steps. baby steps. outside the air is better. locked door. the key is under the mat. on the other side of the door.

I hate this layout. I don't know why I put it up. It will change soon, maybe back to the last layout that was up for a record 2 days.

But anyways. Things are going pretty good here, despite the fact that I have an eight minute presentation to do on the history of assisted suicide and euthenasia, which is due tomorrow, and I hardly have any material ready for it. Looks like I'm going to be stuck inside all day today, which really sucks, because Portland has been absolutely beautiful these last couple of days.

Be good. And tell your mom you love her.

Things are really looking up for me.

I've managed to make friends. This was proven today while I was walking dowtown and I actually came upon one of them. We laughed, said stupid things, laughed, and did nothing, and it was fun. Genuinly.

but I don't want to talk about that right now.

I apologize about the constant layout flux. There are so many layout ideas spinning in my head these days that I have to have an outlet somewhere, and this is the best place I could think of. So. Thats that.

I was just sitting there. Waiting, wait, no, honestly I was just killing time because really, I have nothing better to do. I was downtown, at pioneer square, staring blankly toward the sky, expressionless.

A girl walked up to me (blond hair, blue sweater). She stopped about two feet from me, stared at my face as if she somehow knew my secrets (the look of a close friend who knows every lie you tell), and said, with a smile cracking at the edge of her lips:

"You have nice eyes."

Now, for some reason this really kind of sent my mind in to shock. I said nothing. And as she begain to walk away, she said:

"Did I scare you?"

"No"

I mustered a smile, and she walked away.

When the rain stops and the dust settles and the sun is rising for a new day, when the sky is graying and the stars are peeking on us(like a mother staring through a cracked door at her sleeping children), that is where I want to be. I wan't to skip stones across new waters, and climb trees. I want to go fishing with a stick, a string, and a single rusty hook. I want to walk downtown and sing songs without stranger’s strange stares.

For three weeks now, slowly, in ever-so-slight intervals, my life has been changing. I can't quite make it out, the origin, that is. It feels like the world started spinning out of control, all the while I'm running toward the horizon as fast as I can, so that I, in essence, stay in the same spot. I'ts not working.

I can’t tell if it is nostalgia that is bringing on these strange days, or if it is somehow related to the cultural immersion that I have been experiencing since I got here, but whatever it is, it’s hitting me really hard.

I once came upon a fight between a friend of mine and a "jock" from two grades ahead of us (an arrogant fucker that I hated, but thats beside the point). My friend got his ass kicked. His nose was bent out of shape, his two front teeth were kicked in and his face was covered in blood. He looked like a reincarnated dead man. In his pain, or maybe it was some kind of adrenaline charged euphoria, he kept screaming that he wanted another match, that somehow he would regain his nonexistent fighting abilities if he had only one more chance.

His chance was over. He lost.

I’m going on my fifth month here in portland, already, yet it seems every day I wonder how its been so long. It feels like just yesterday I was in my parents house, eating my moms great cooking, just generally living a nice free-loading life, but I can’t quite remember what it felt like. It’s like reading a book and, for the short while it takes to read the book the reader is catapulted in to an entirely different world. But after its over, it sits on the shelf and is forgotten, only to be brought up in short bursts of memory.

But, its nice to experience new things. It’s like my life is just a giant etch-a-sketch and someone decided to pick it up and shake it.

Well, after the sky split open yesterday, pouring every horrible thought imaginable in to my head, where they collected and bounced from wall to wall like some horrible childs game, I broke down. I now have a medication that should help with not only times like yesterday, but with everyday living.

Things are looking up today. I just found out that the mates of state and the the microphones are playing in portland next month. At least now I have something to look forward to.

Well, after the sky split open yesterday, pouring everything horrible thought imaginable in to my head, where they collected and bounced from wall to wall like some horrible childs game, I broke down. I now have a medication that should help with not only times like yesterday, but with everyday living.

Things are looking up today. I just found out that the

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kill your tv

4.27.2002

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