for a moment the world ceased to exist. My small view of this neverending machine, so tainted, so covered in sult and filth. I just layed there, although everyone stopped to observe, I watched as there face contorted and looked away. Everything is a shade of blood red, even the ambulance with its piercing and obnoxious sound. I was comfortable, more comfortable then I had perhaps ever been. To lay there, with no worries, no cares. The adjacent building seemed to reach to the stars, when I dove from it, my cares were lifted away and the unbearable pain of this painful world was gone. I was free.

Pouring myself in to this website is really exhausting me lately. It feels like I'm not accomplishing whatever it is I intended to with it, like there is something missing. I may be closing it down soon, or I may not, but the chance is there. It seems like I pour everything on to this site, and I never get anything out of it. So, this site may go down soon, or I may completely change it in to something else, or I may not change anything at all. I'm swaying in all directions, so I won't know for a few days.

So, everyone go visit this person.

The merry-go-round was the single most fun thing to do on the playground, sure, there was foursquare, swings, and basketball hoops, but nothing, nothing topped the merry-go-round. It was so great because I felt like I was flying a million miles an hour as the scenery flew bye, or maybe because it was the setting for my first kiss.

In kindergarten there is always that "special" person who makes the butterflies come to life in your chest, and I certainly had mine. About 99% of the time I was too scared to talk to her, but when I did the space between my stuttering words, when she was talking, was perfect. Although I could count the number of times we had even spoken to each other, I just knew we were ment for each other.

The sky was a bit overcast, the ground a pale green. I was on my usual short legged walk to the merry-go-round when it happened. BAM! She came from the side. The biggest kiss I had ever imagined, right on my left cheek. My brain went in to immediate slow-motion mode. I turned and watched as she stopped, smiled at me, and took off. Let me tell you this, this is the most profound and shocking experience a kindergartener can experience. My mind went blank and I started walking. My original destination, the merry-go-round, fell by the wayside as my body carried me almost instinctively to a more neutral place. It felt like my head was going to explode, yet I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face.

Today we are going to start focusing on face/head drawings in class, and seeing as I have never done one before I decided to try a self portrait. I did this very quickly last night just to see if I could do it. It doesnt look exactly like me, but I think its fairly close...

There are certain days that life just seems to pass in frames. A Polaroid collection of candid personal moments. While waiting for the bus today a man walked up, smoking a cigarette. He proceeded to cough profusely, so bad that it seemed as if he was in a competition and his life depended how hard he coughed. He said just a few words, although they have been stuck in my head since I heard them, “I can’t stop coughing, but I can’t stop smoking.”

I skipped out on the first half of my visual communications class, albeit I had a critique to do. Standing in front the class is the most exhausting and mind numbing experience, and I really didn’t want to do it today. I got to class just as they were taking a break, so I walked outside and sat on a bench. There were three of us outside, two other guys and myself. The two others were whispering sweet nothings in to each other’s ears and, as they departed, they kissed each other and bid each other farewell and noted the fact that they will see each other tonight. This didn’t faze me much. I came from a town where if two gay men kissed in a public area, and the wrong person was to see it, blood would be shed. And while I was never really a part of the community that I lived in, there are always things that people carry with them for the rest of there lives. It seems the ignorance of homosexual intolerance isn’t a trait I inherited, and I am quite glad about that because at times it seems that myself and the rest of the heterosexual community is the minority in this city.

After class I sat at the designated smoking area. I spotted a fellow student acquaintance and asked him how he’s doing. He told me that he just got out of jail, where he had been for ten days, for causing some sort of (nonviolent he says) dispute in front of the student housing building. He went on to say he was suspended from school for it. If that wasn’t enough, his house burned down while he was in jail. Some people really have it bad some times, and while I tried to empathize and give support, there was a feeling of relief in my stomach, and I felt bad for that. It’s relieving to know that life is shitty sometimes for others too, and to know that others have it way worse then myself. It's kind of a selfish way of looking at things, but for some reason it really helps.

Today was a cold day in the lovely city of portland. I walked with a bit of a stiff posture as I sang songs in my head and played drums in my pockets, all on my way to and from the bus stop. A good song can block out the worst cold. The brisk morning air was a little refreshing as I walked to class, but as I walked out four hours later, the cold had not faltered, in fact I think it got worse. So, I stammered to the bus stop and came home.

I’ve been having a really hard time setting my mind to things lately. I had an ungodly amount of homework to do this weekend, and guess when I started it. Thats right, about three hours ago (it’s monday for those of you without calenders). I didn’t even open my pack that contained all of my homework until this morning, and that was only so that I could get out the things I needed and transfer them to a smaller bag to lighten the load because I was riding the bus.

I am devoted now though. My last three hours have been non-stop painting and drawing, my focus literally has not shifted from the task at hand. I forget how much I love to paint and draw until I actually sit down and start doing it. It’s like a bottled up tidal wave, when the brush is in my hands it’s opened up and everything just flows out. I just wish that I could put on paper what I have in my mind. Occasionally I do, and it’s great, and that makes it all worth it.

I wrote another song today. A simple song really. I did some basic editing to it and cleaned it up a bit.

I gasp for air between sneezes that are somehow spitting my consciousness out with them. I woke up feeling like crap today, hopefully it will wear off. My head is clouded, and everything is a bit of a daze. My forehead is hot as hell and I can feel beads of sweat forming, soon they will graduate to full fledged beads and travel down my face, dripping from my chin, or my nose perhaps, assuming I don’t wipe them away before hand.

Today I will work frantically to finish the homework that a normal, good student, would have done this weekend. The concert last night was incredible, dismemberment plan’s sound was perfect, but I was dissapointed with death cab for cuties set up. I could hardly hear the vocals, which are there strong point, in my opinion. ah well.

For some reason our phone stopped working properly, we can get calls but we can't make them. I am assuming that it has something to do with the fact that, while our phone service has been on for nearly two months, we haven't received one bill. Maybe they got the wrong address?

That ties in with our next problem. We recieved a bill around a week and a half ago from the electric company. That bill, so lonely and in need of touch, sat silently next to our miniature fish tank, where my guess is it decided to fly away and be with its friends because I've looked this entire apartment over, and it's not here. Calling them is difficult when our phone doesn't work.

I watched, sadly, as our little fish were killed two night ago. We were in the process of cleaning our miniature fish tank (its small, like the size of a big shoe), so our fish were in a bowl on the table. Our friends, in there not-quite-normal state of mind, decided to be mean to them. I will spare the fine details, but I'll say this, it started with an ice cube, then soda, then beer, then the microwave. My god, karma is gonna kick some ass this time. Hey, I said stop, so karma can't touch me.

excuse me while I blow my nose and try to find where my mind went.