Everything has been good lately. And thats strange. Because, normally things seem to be on a negative trend. Maybe it is the power of positive thinking. In one month I will be sitting in the living room of my apartment, in the middle of downtown portland. A drastic change of scenery from where I am now. In front of my house there is a huge field that, before we moved in, was used as a potatoe field. It is now covered in overgrown grass, well, actually now it is completely covered in a foot of snow. When I look out my window I see trees and birds and if I am lucky, squirrels. I love this place sometimes, but it is time for me to move on. There is nothing here for me, and I am excited to go somewhere where there is something for me. Where I can get up in the morning knowing that the day will not be another wasted day in a town full of empty dreams.

When I was 13, long kurt cobainesque hair, I had this great dream of living in the city. I pictured myself in an apartment in a skyscraper right downtown. Of course, being that nirvana originated there, my dream was seattle. I would lie awake at night with my stereo on, eyes staring blank and placid at the ceiling while my mind turned a million miles a minute with great images of my future. I would play music, that was my dream. Less then a year later I had a drumset, and I beat those drums for hours and hours everyday, and I got pretty good. I have gone through two different bands, both of which had great potential, but failed.

Now, the circumstances are different and the dream has been made a bit more realistic by deleting thoughts of living life without a job or income. But, I am still doing it. And that is all that matters. I am doing it.

The world spins around like a marble being shot from the hand of a child. Spinning aimlessly while millions of inhabitants meander below. Walking across the surface, oblivious to the miracles and profound occurences going on above, we consume our lives with petty problems. Spinning through space, one chunk of dirt, just one in an infinite number of others.

I walked out the door, at work, this morning. About ten feet from the door I saw the silhouette of a man, lit by the backlight of street lamps and headlights, his hands were cupped around his face as he lit a cigarette. "Hello josh," he said. His voice was hollow, his greeting has become a daily routine. A daily cliche that he can not break free from. His greeting has lost its honesty, no doubt from years of saying the same things, day after day.

I am not sure why exactly, but as I said hello back, my chest felt like it had sunk in. I don't know how long this man has worked where I do (a car dealership, I detail cars, it sucks), but I have always known him as the "parts counter guy." He is no doubt stuck in his job, un-able or maybe even afraid of stepping out on a limb. His life has become an american cliche, and its sad, because it happens to so many people. I know that I can be given a million excuses as to why people get stuck in jobs and feel trapped. I realise that some circumstances put people in a position where they have to put others before themselves, and I respect those people very much. But, It is my belief that people should try to achieve there goals and dreams.

So many people live lives, comfortably sedated, trying to make the best of what they have. Well, for me, I say fuck that. I am not going to live my life paycheck to paycheck, coming home at night dreading the next work day, making vain attempts at forgetting that my life has been un-eventful and meaningless.

I will do something, I will be someone, and I hope that everyone else will to.

My readers kick ass. That means you.

This last month has been very strange for me, warranting a lot of soul searching. It seems like the harder I try to hold on to this place, the more disconnected I feel. The countdown has begun, thirty one days. I have never really pictured myself going to college, and now that it is nearly a month away, that feeling has not left. I know that I am leaving, I know that everything will be different, but it seems so far away. Surreal really.

I turned up my stereo as loud as I could without blowing my speakers on my way home today. Singing along as loud as I could, I watched the sky pass overhead, and the trees fly by, and the headlights that came toward me and disappearred as if they never existed. Everything is different then it used to be, it feels strange and surreal. Singing the chorus to weezer’s undone (the sweater song), I was shot back in time. I was 13, sitting in my room, white walls, white sheets and blue blanket, listening to weezer for my first time. What a great time in my life, and the sad thing is, I had no idea how great it was. I was doing the same thing I am doing now, looking back and reliving memories, all the while completely missing out on what is happening now. It was an epiphany. I realized what I am doing, and that I need to start looking forward. It is so easy to retreat to pleasant memories, that way, it’s like you are walking backwards. Relishing and enjoying the past, never focusing, or even giving attention to the future. Even though it may have great things in store.

Lately I have been trying hard to fix all of the things I have messed up during my last few years here. I actually have a relationship with my parents, one where I am the initiator. And it feels good, to be able to sit and talk with my mom about nothing. Just enjoying each others company. And my brothers, I have wanted to be closer to them for years. I have never done anything about it. Although during the last couple months I have begun to talk to them and see how they see things. My littlest brother is 12, I gave him my favorite book to read, the perks of being a wallflower, and he loved it. I hope that book has done for him what it has done for me. And, I have contacted some friends that I had lost touch with. Sparking friendships that had been forgotten. It feels great. I am doing something. I am not going to get stuck here, I am breaking free, my eyes are focused toward the sky and I am hoping for the best. Because, damn it, living life dwelling on the negative and reliving the past is a horrible way to live.

I have always wanted to love life, to enjoy the simple things. I think I have finally made it. It has been a long, rocky, difficult road. But, if life didn’t have bad times, then how would I judge the good times? All I know is those horrible nagging feelings that cloud my thoughts haven’t been around lately, and I don’t foresee them coming back any time soon.

I have got so much to offer. And I am not asking for much in return. Just happiness, thats all.

Is that too much to ask?

grandaddy-underneath the weeping willow
I wanna sleep underneath
The weeping willow
As it cries all night quietly
It’s tears all around me
I’ll sleep there so soundly
Until I’m allowed finally
to wake and be happy again
to wake and be happy again