you know when a song ends on a cd you have heard quite a bit before, and you immediately have a picture of the next song before it comes on? you may even start to sing the song before it comes on. well, all my life I have known what was ahead for me. I have known the next direction my life would turn. I knew, at least within limits, exactly what would happen. and now it seems as though the cd has ended, and a new cd is about to play. one that I have never heard before. a strange excitement is in the air. but what if I don’t like this change. what if it is completely wrong for me? I hope that its new and exciting, like the first time I heard a radiohead song, or the first time I kissed a girl, or the first time I found out that I could ride a bicycle. A lot of strange analogies fit this strange situation.

I hold hopes for the best. And really, thats all that matters right?

you know, everything changes around me yet I am the same. Isn't it strange? Things evolve, people change, words change meaning, yet the whole while I am a constant. The only constant. So, if this is true, then what do we hold on to?

Behind their nice, warm exterior, dentists are really evil. I went to the dentist today, and to my surprise it was a girl dentist, and she was gorgeous. Nice, beautiful blond hair and everything. I felt honored that she was even talking to me. And as she started to stick metal devices in to my mouth I didn't mind, not at all. "you really need to start brushing your molars better," she pulled the metal object out of my mouth.. Covered in plack(sp?) and blood. And there was blood all over the tips of her fingers! Is this what I deserved for not brushing right? I brush twice a day. So shure, I dont always do a good job. but shit, its the thought that counts, isnt it? Well, maybe not. And why do dentist always insist on talking to you while you clearly can not speak? God damn it, that pisses me off.
"So, isnt the weather great today?"
"ugh, ahhh"
"Oh really? Do you like to ski?"
Jesus man. Anyways, I scheduled an appointment to get my cavities filled for tomorrow. And an appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled on monday. good fun.

immolation, that was the name. and as we banged our heads and I beat the drums, we were gods. So we played, we wrote songs, we discovered drugs, and we fell apart. Young and clueless we filled our minds with substance, and as we quickly drained them we were invincible. no one could stop us. Our seperation was hard and misunderstood. We found our friends elsewhere, a windowpane. and as we slowly fell in love with our new friends, friends who we could 'use' any time, we didn't need the human kind. Friendships fell be the wayside, and so did the music.

So, my first attempt at a band failed, two shows, 6 months, 3 lost friends.

"What are you guys doing here?!" We didn't know we were trespassing, we simply went to the river to have a nice cigar. "Looking at the river!," what a stupid thing to say. I might as well have said, "Hey, Im stupid and don't know where I am!."

Let me back up. Les and I decided to go smoke a cigar today. What else is new, eh? We had this great idea to go to a spot we hadn't been before. So, I drove my 89 ford bronco through some of the shittiest, deepest snow I have so far this year to our final destination, river bend campground. The place was nice, the river was perfect, the sun was shining. We couldn't ask for more. I got out my camera and took a few pictures(the one above being one of them, and yes thats me) which I will probably post tomorrow as I am too lazy to do it now. Ok, now start reading the top paragraph again and you'll hear the rest of this story.

and as we embark on a journey of acceptance, road maps in hand, we open our eyes and take in the sunlight. The air seems cold, yet I am unfeeling. I look through the windows, trying to wipe them clear so I can see better, but they will not come clean. So, road maps in hand, we search through dirty windows on our quest for acceptance. We stop at the stations, only to be fed with brief and meaningless chat without direction. Questions are asked, thoughts are unheard, voices are muted, a lost attempt. And as we continue our journey we pick up hitchhikers, asking them questions and picking their brain. And, a small debt of gratitude leads them to believe they owe a debt of friendship. So on with our journey, our new friend the hitchhiker along. We pass by road signs advertising acceptance, we pass by fellow cars with the same objective, we pass by hords of people with friends and souls on their sleeves. and we do not stop.
And, as our car runs out of gas, we realize something. We don’t need a car, no vessel to cripple and hinder our quest. All we need are open minds and open thoughts. Wear them proudly, as they are rare.