oh, just a quick link to some nice things said about my site. Im so flattered.

I don't know how she did it, or why I gave in. but I downloaded AIM. God, I hate aol. I guess maybe I will get use to it, but I'm so use to icq. I know my icq number by heart, 47542570. Thats how devoted I am to it.

Anyway, if any of you kids out there have AIM (god forbid) then add me to your buddy list. joshs final fit is the name.

It was flat, completely fucking flat. I must have ran over something on my way to work because my left front tire looked like a sqwashed donut. Wonderful. Working at a car dealership does have its perks though, I managed to convince one of the mechanics to fix it... for free! and he showed me how to fix holes in tires so I can fix it the next time it happens.

Remember in my post yesterday about how I liked the "beautiful white layer across the ground," or something to that effect? Well, fuck that. It hasn't stopped snowing here since last night, and frankly its really pissing me off. A little snow here and there is fine, but 24 fucking hours strait of the shit is just fucking stupid. Sorry, but as you can probably see I am pretty upset about it.

There it was, a caribou. Just walking across the road. I wanted to get home from work and this stupid caribou decides that it can walk across the road when-ever-it-fucking-pleases. The car in front of me, me, and the car behind me all slammed on our breaks. We managed to stop in time to miss it, but it was close. What a lucky caribou.

looks like my next weekend will be pretty eventful. Meeting two people who I only know by the words they write, and being met by two people who only know me by the words that I write. How exciting. Sure, Ive got my apprehensions, but I think that for the most part that should be expected. Anyways, the plan is for les and I to meet Richelle and Shae in anchorage and stay at some sleezy hotel.

sounds like my kind of fun.

looking out over the kenai river, trees covered in snow leaning as if their soul purpose is to one day reach the river. These are the times that I love alaska. And as we smoked our cigars, I thought about my life here.

After work today, my friend levi and I went to the tobacco company and bought some nice cigars. You know, the ones that you buy single, not the ones you buy in packages. We went down to the river, and I thought about my place in this town. I will be leaving this place shortly, and I am trying desperately to hold on. The way the snow slowly falls and builds a beautiful layer of white across the ground, the way the sky erupts in fits that are usually not predicted by the weatherman, the way I always find someone I know when I go into a store. This is a small town, and I suppose it is like any other small town, but this one is mine. As much as I have hated this town, as much as I have despised many of my peers, I love this town. I feel like it is a part of me, and maybe I shouldn't do that. Maybe I should just let it fall away, I know that it will make it easier to leave. And to tell you the truth, I don't feel like I belong here. I am the outsider. When I was in highschool I remember being appaled by the lack of originality, the lack of personality. As I sat in the corner of my computer class, listening to the music playing on my peers computers, I silently sat and sulked. I would bring my cds, great bands, incredible bands that, if for no other reason deserve respect for there originality. I played them loudly, radiohead, dandy warhols, elliot smith, travis, eels, red house painters, and a hundred others. I did my best to make an impression on the others, to show them that they had it wrong. To show them that they did not have to listen to the bands that mtv tells them to, to show them that they didn't have to fit into a cookie-cutter lifestyle. Be yourfuckingself. Students would walk by and laugh, and I too was laughing on the inside, because I saw things from the outside looking in. The problem is that I couldn't find people like me, and that is why I feel that I don't fit in in this town. And it hurts, but soon I will be leaving and starting anew. And hopefully there are people like me, people who are not afraid to play a cd that no one has ever heard. I'm really looking forward to that.

I finished a book last night. It was absolutely incredible, it has opened my eyes. Thank you so much shae for writing about it. The book, the perks of being a wallflower, is a book that I couldn't put down. I was swepped away in a world that I loved, a world that is so similar to what could be mine. And, after I finish the book I started tonight, I will read it again. And after that I will give to my brother to read, and after that I will give it to my friends. If you have ever thought that you were alone, or that no one thinks the way you do, then this book is for you.

being young, clueless, and ignorant is a great thing. I had one friend in particular that I spent the majority of my time with, and he happened to be my uncle. I know that sounds strange, but its really not that strange. Our birthdays are ten days apart. So, to me at least, I never thought of us as unkle/nephew, but merely as friends. We spent our summers together, riding bikes and crossing roads our parents told us not to. Staying overnight and talking about girls endlessly. Those were the days I remember fondly. We seperated during our highschool years and grew in to different people with different perspectives on life. It wasnt until I discovered that our musical tastes are nearly identical did we continue our friendship, which had not ended but was merely in intermission.
Anyways, the moral of the story: His name is les, and he now has a blog. So, go check it out out.

everything is so uncertain right now. I go about my daily routines acting like I have a clue, but I don't. I am leaving in a little more then two months, leaving everything behind. My parents, my two brothers who I have been telling myself for years now that I need to socialize with. I literally do not know them, sure I talk to them occasionally. but its meaningless, just smalltalk. I feel bad for not being the good, productive role model that an older brother should be. I was to busy trying to avoid life, smoking pot and hanging out with my friends. I miss my family, although I can hear them in the next room. I don't know them and I feel infinitely regretful for it. If I could do everything different, I would. I feel so bad that it makes my head hurt. My parents are great parents, and I put them through hell. At the time I didn't think that a little lie was a problem, or that coming home stoned was a bad thing. I was doing my best to live life, all the while completely missing out on it. And it hurts like hell.

sometimes I just like to write, whether the words come out coherent or not. I have a log tucked a way nicely on my hard drive that contains random thoughts and fragmented visions. Whenever I get the urge, whether it be from a beautiful piece of music, a wonderfully written piece of literature or whatever, I just write. Most of the time I just close my eyes and let my fingers do the work. Often I get pieces that, to others, would be very disturbing. Although, to me they have a special meaning. They help me to see my thoughts more clearly, thoughts that are untouched. Sometimes soft, sometimes jagged, sometimes incoreherent.

I don't claim to be a writer, in fact I came close to failing english my last two years of highschool. I don't have any format, no pattern to follow. Just simple thoughts searching for a medium to release. I think that I may start using this weblog occasionally as a release for these thoughts, the previous entry is one of them, as well as last sunday's. I am not concerned as to whether or not you like them, or even understand them for that matter. I would just like to let you know what they are so that you understand, so that I am not mistaken for a raving lunatic.

so, if you read these entries and find them at all interesting. let me know, alright?

emptying pockets lined in thought. lost memories and change, a kaleidoscope of laughter and angst. The door is open, stepping out to retreat in comfort. a quiet and swift deconstruction. opening eyes clouded in repetition. the vision lost in the shuffle. leaving thoughts in misunderstood gestures, a soft and slow tragedy.

just a piece of personal-josh-info:
Every day after work, on my way home, I turn up my stereo and sing loudly. If you come in to viewing distance you may often see my dancing in my seat as well. Although, I take precautions as to make sure no one sees. One; I move my rearview mirror so that no one can see me in the reflection. Two; I haul ass.

don't act like you don't do the same thing.

As you may, or may not know I work at a car dealership. My official title is "lot attendent," but it should be replaced with "bitch." Anyways, today a salesman called me up to go jumpstart a truck that some customers were looking at. I reluctantly agreed. I pulled up to the red ford f-150, guess who the customers were... My ex ex girlfriend. and you know who she was with?. Her boyfriend who she cheated on me with, eventually dumping me for. Just my fucking luck. I wish I could just go about my life and never see her again.

There was a time when she made attempts at righting her wrong. She would write me letters of apology, which I threw out.
There are some things that you just don't do to another person, you know? Some things I just can't forgive.

Eyes wandering, looking at nothing and everything. Disinterest and indifference. My thoughts are silent. Looking through walls of celophane, wrapped in a clear cell. I hear the voices calling, I see the faces taunting. The air is crisp, my face is cold.

Sleeping on a bed that folds out of the wall, walking in freezing temperatures to a nearby gas station to buy tobacco products, getting stranded and not knowing when we would be picked up. Just a taste of my weekend. I went up to Anchorage again, friday night to saturday night. We went to borders where I spent entirely too much money, but I feel good in my purchases. Cd's: beta band, belle and sabastian, badly drawn boy. I also got a couple of dvds, a french import film, the city of lost children. I watched some of it last night, it's very strange. Like an intricate nightmare, the kind where you remember every detail. Very weird indeed. If you can handle subtitles or english dubs, then I recommend it.
I also bought Pi, which is directed by my favorite director, Darren Aronofsky. Some people know of him as the genius director of Requiem for a Dream.. I assure you that his genius is no less in Pi. Its fantastic.

It has been snowing here all morning, I am sitting here drinking a nice cup of coffee, enjoying the warm indoor temperatures. I am reminded of my childhood, when I would sit inside drinking hot chocolate, waiting to go sledding or to make snow angels. Days when a carefree attitude was the norm.