blogging to elliot smith: between the bars

I have been listening to elliot smith a lot today, all the way to work, my lunch break, and for the past two hours. He is a genius I tell you.

hey look, I added a guestbook.. now go sign it!

blogging to elliot smith: between the bars

It was twenty three degrees this morning. I drove all the way to work in a t-shirt because I searched all over my house for my coat, never finding it. Get this, I found it in the back of my vehicle all bunched up in a corner... AFTER I got to work. Damn it. I put it on for my walk into the building. It felt strange wearing it, I hadn't worn it in several months. The first thing I did was check the pockets to see if I had left any goodies in it the last time I wore it. like, say.. money, drugs, or sex toys. Instead I found something that I hadn't expected. A remnant of a previous page of my life, the good page where everything seems to go right. It was a note from someone that was very special in my life, and it goes like this:

Dear Josh,
I hope you find this before you wash your coat! I just want to thank you for everything. I think that you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am glad that I met you, and grew with you.. You are a very special person whom I'd give the world for.
thank you.
Love always,
[edited to protect the innocent]

Now, I don't mean to put anyone on the spot.. because most likely the person who wrote this will be reading this.. I look back and smile, I have no regrets and I hope that you don't either.

why does this site not look right on some browsers? oh the humanity.
Ill work on it later

blogging to radiohead: how to disappear completely.

When I was a sophomore in High School I was in search of myself, that search brought me into an 'enlightened' crowd. Suddenly I was accepted, everyone knew everyone well and there was a strong sense of unity. This was a great time for me, a time in which I relished and enjoyed my ignorance. The glue that held our friendships together was weed. We were the countureculture of my school, and I loved every minute of it. Walking through the halls of my high school was suddenly fun, I could look at all the 'poor fools' who hadn't seen what I had and laugh to myself. It was great. Times got even better when I discovered psychedelics, I discovered that everything is not as it seems. I felt as if I had found a friend, a friend that told me only the deepest secrets and the meaning of life. I had become enlightened, I looked past the frail walls of society and saw the poor structure that holds it together. I saw the superficialities in people. I saw the barriers I had built up suddenly crumble. It was a great time for me, I don't have a regret in the world.

Once you get to this point it doesn't stop, not for my friends and I at least. I had one particular friend that always pushed himself to the edge, only to retreat at the last second.. going a little furthur each time. This friend of mine got heavy in to cocaine, and it wasn't long before he had drug everyone else with him. After a few attempts with only minor interest, I decided to let it go. It wasn't for me. I shudder to think what could have happened if I had continued using it.

Today I saw that friend for the first time since my junior year, the year that he dropped out.

He was driving an old rust-ridden chevy van. A well know drug user in the passengers seat. I saw him parking as I was walking into the store, I turned and walked his direction. Just before I got there another man walked up to the passengers side, looking very suspicious and looking over his shoulder. I knew what was going on, it was obvious. I walked to the drivers side where my past friend was at. We made eye contact, I said hello. He said nothing, looked out the windshield, looked over his right shoulder. "whats happenin," I said. "high as hell," he said. I attempted small talk, he didn't make any attempt at carrying on any conversation. I walked away, saying "see ya later man" on my retreat.

This person once told me that he considered me to be among his best friends. It seems he has found a new best friend, a friend who he can always "call up" to help him feel better. He doesn't need the human kind. I only wish that he could see himself from my point of view.

I feel so horrible for laughing at this.

I woke up this morning to find my car covered in a layer of ice. The same yesterday. I hate the cold in winter, when it's so cold that your bones hurt. Winter is coming. The dark here is absolutely horrible in the winter, at times the sun doesn't come up until eleven o'clock and sets around four o'clock.

I have been thinking alot over the last few months and I've noticed something very strange. I am a completely different person now then I was the same time last year. I have different friends, I like different music, my interests have completely changed. I think for the better. Its amazing how much direction I've found since then, I really didn't think about the future much. I had this great dream of living a carefree lifestyle for the rest of my life, never having to have the burden of adulthood. Well, now that I am out of High School, my future is all that I have been thinking about for weeks. Going to college, even a year ago, was something I never thought would happen.
Im leaving in January to go thousands of miles away from home to attend the Art Institute of Portland. Who would have thought I would be going there. Its such and gigantic step for me, something I have never had to do before.. Even when I applied I never pictured myself actually going their.

its all just very strange to me.

Look at my wonderful new wall ornaments. Kid-a promo posters!
Thank you so muchTiffany, you are the coolest person I know. Why did you have to go away? I miss you. damn it, come back.

song of the moment: radiohead: no surprises

new design, what do you think?

song of the moment: billy joel: piano man
(if you are a parent of mine please stop reading now, its for your own good)
what a weekend, a weekend that will be imprinted in my mind for a very long time. We left for anchorage prepared, one bottle of whiskey, three eighteen packs of beer..along with some nice herb I picked up a few days prior. We left around five or so, still not knowing where we were going to stay. We made it into anchorage around eight or so, called up a buddy of ours living in the UAA dorms. We headed our vehicle in that direction, the excitement building.
After finishing off the bottle between the four of us we went outside so I could burn one. Well, only two of the four of us wanted any so my friend and I slipped into the woods, our other two friends waited outside the woods. And then I saw it, a white car with some nice and bright lights on top. "Cops!," I yelled. My friend and I ran like crazy. After I felt like I was at a safe distance I turned around to find my friend who had also ran, nowhere to be found. So I crouched down and watched the cops from a distance give my friends minors. I felt so bad for them, the cops were literally yelling at them. They hadn't caused any problems or made any disturbances. Their only crime was that they had happened to drink a liquid that 'the man' thought they shouldn't be drinking.
Eventually the cops left and my friends were escorted back to the dorm rooms, leaving me in the woods to fend for myself in a place that I was very unfamiliar with.. let alone that fact that I was largely under the influence of more then one substance. After a couple hairy situations I managed to find someone to let me into the dorm rooms where I had them look up my friends phone number so they could come down and let me in. (I swear the dorms are like a fucking prison, everyone has an electronic key that allows them limited access throughout the dorm).

We didn't let the cops stop us though, we carried on as if nothing happened. but thats enough of that story.

The next night were met up with some of Levi's other friends in Anchorage who I knew only as aquaintances. We wen't to a lake where we proceeded to carry on the same ellicit behavior we had done the night previous, this time we didn't have any interuptions though. I smoked about three bowls with my new friends that Levi introduced me too. It was strange because these guys really took a likeing to me. One of them compared me to someone that I have long admired for his originality and ability to see past the bullshit, it was the first time in a long time that I actually felt that I was putting off the vibe that I wanted. This night turned out really well.

The next day (today) we got up, ate at denny's, and headed home. We made a stop at some cliffs so that we could hike up them and look over the inlet, it was awesome. I havent done any hiking since last winter when I hike up turnagain pass several times on my snowboarding expeditions. I honestly have felt so full of life in a VERY long time.

this is a shortened version of the story, but if I wrote everything down it would not only bore you but would take FOREVER to read.
All in all I am glad I went this weekend, I almost didn't go just because of the anxiety that sometime accompanies meeting new people.. but I said fuckit and went anyways, hoping for the best. I think it was about the best it could have been.