song of the moment: radiohead: exit music(for a film)

I wish that I could stop time sometimes, so that I can walk around and enjoy the moment. Some moments in life are just so incredible that I think if I could live the moment for the rest of my life I would be the happiest guy on earth. Instead that moment fades leaving the old thoughts to overpower and crush that moment until it is nothing but history. When I was a kid I lived in a small logging camp in southeast alaska, I remember these days fondly though my parents say its childhood idealism. I remember days of carefree enjoyment, days where I could do anything I want. I was the king of my own castle. The days were full of wonder and genuine happiness.

----------
Im going to 'the big city' this weekend with some friends. I will not be updating till at least sunday. That is, of course, unless I find a computer to use while Im up there. but seeing as we don't have a clue where the hell we are going to stay I can not answer that at this time.

I walk past this about four times a day at work. I always liked it, something about it jumps out at me.. anyways, I figured since I finally have a digital camera I would take a picture of it.. I think it turned out pretty good.

words seem to escape me, I close my eyes. radiohead's Kinetic lulling my mind in the background.. I close my eyes to find something to show. nothing. I close my eyes again, this times I release everything and begin to type without any coherent knowledge of what is coming out. this is what came out, im not sure what it is or what it means.. it may be crap for all I know. but here it is, the thoughts that spew out of my mind when the curtains are closed:

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the face of a man who has lost his face. I lose myself in the dream of reality in which there is no escape losing it losing it. The other day I saw a man on the road, looking at passer byers begging for food, the half of his face consisted of a triangular shape of symmetrical stars in unison. The other side of the moon is covered in warm fuzzy bottles of water, all trying to escape in a pattern of unity and conformity. The conformity of a man who has lost his wings and decided to walk amongst the peasants and the farmers only to be excluded in ritual dance. The man who carries the lightest load carries the heaviest burden. I imagine the future as a white ball of beauty that can not hold another ray, the drops seep into my skin. I look out the windows and see rain, drops of sun are falling down.

hey. tell me what you think of my next possible redesign. I say this knowing that I will not here a word from ninety five percent of you, but thats alright..

the page looks a little messed up in netscape, so if you have netscape go get IE or something.

song of the moment: bob marley: redemption song

I got it! I finally got photoshop 6 for my new mac, it took me three nights of downloading to get all 96.8 megabites, but I did it. I felt like I was going to go insane without it, photoshop is the coolest thing since sliced bread. I am working on a redesign as I am quickly getting tired of this design, it will probably be up tomorrow.. (unless something fucks up)

I was thinking today about college, it will be such a strange experience living thousands of miles from what I know as my home. I am not usually the risk-taker (although I have my moments), I usually shun change. This will be the first time in my life that I have taken a step into the dark without knowing exactly where my foot will land. It takes me a very long time to become comfortable in new surroundings, making new friends is a task I'm not really looking forward to as well. My life right now is well rounded, I have built it up for years.. Everything seems in place, everything runs like clockwork without interruption. I am about to interrupt it. Not only interrupt, but turn upside down and shake out the innards. I will have to discover myself before I can find what I want out of life, and to tell you the truth it scares the shit out of me. I am afraid of what I will find when I start digging around in the closet, old skeletons never go away. Oh well, I think this is a turning point in my life that at first may seem difficult but I hold hope that it will be for the best.

I just got a call from the admissions director from the Art Insitute of Portland, she said that I am unofficialy accepted. I just need to send in two credit transfer papers, which I have, and they will send me a letter of acceptance!! GREAT NEWS!

I got payed last friday, 95.9 hours for two weeks. my previous check had 105.6 hours, I work way too much. I feel completely drained after work, it feels like any artistic ability that I may have woken up with has shriveled into a ball of apathy. I find myself sitting in front of the computer surfing the net for hours everyday after work. There are so many things I want to do but I don't have the energy to do it. For instance, I have three books sitting about two feet from me that I am in the middle of reading. I really like all three, its just that I get home from work and I literally do not want to do anything. It may be sad, but the only thing that gives me any artistic drive anymore is weed. I forget about everything that is on my mind and I focus on the the undercurrents of everything, the things that I love, the things that ultimately are my driving force.

I hope that I get to go to college in January, that will be the only time in the last three years that I won't have a job for a while. (eventually I will have to get one, but that may take a little while) I look forward to the day when I can wake up in the morning care free, when I can look out the window and wonder what the day will hold for me. As it is now I wake up, follow my usual routine. shower, brush teeth, mess up hair, and go to work..

On another note, I bought Full Metal Jacket and just finished watching it. The film is absolutely incredible, I admire Stanley Kubrick. Every film I have seen of his has been a masterpiece. I remember watching 2001: a space odyssey in my film as lit class my senior year. Everyone hated it, people didn't take the class for the specific reason of having to watch that film.
I loved it, its pure genius. Why can't people see that?

song of the moment: phish: heavy things

It turns out that no one turned themselves in for stealing the tires. So yesterday I had a great time being questioned by an officer of the law. He pulled everyone individually into a small room where he basically told me I did it, I couldn't fucking believe it. I told him I didn't do it, and that I didn't know who did it.. I could see the doubt in his eyes, he thought I was lieing.. that really pissed me off. This guy who has never even talked me, never even seen me before, is telling me that I am lieing to him. He asked me if I was willing to take a polygraph test, I told him yes. Thats just great.

Last night I saw The Musketeer. Horrible film, thats all I have to say.