song of the moment: john lennon: imagine

Today at the video store I saw an old friend of mine. But he was different, the last time I saw him was in nineth grade.. We were a lot different back then. By the looks of him we had taken very different paths, and the feeling was mutual. I was just checking out when I looked over and watched him come in the front entrance. We immediately made eye contact, and we immediately looked away in unison. We have both changed so much that we recognized each other only as a memory, we are completely different people now.
He walked in, looking a bit shooken by seeing me. I was a little shooken myself. The person I had once know was about 5'6, skinny as a board, straight-laced. The person I was now looking at was about 6'0, average weight, scraggly beard. I decided to break the ice and say something so I said whats happenin. He looked at me, said Hello, and walked away.

my archives are back up. not much there, just thought ide let you know

I guess I havent seen it all. this is the funniest thing I have seen in a while!

finally sent off my application to the Art Institute of Portland. The admissions director I have been talking to makes it sound like I am already excepted though. It is all a bit surreal, this will be the biggest thing that has ever happened in my short life. If all works out I will be living in Portland in January, thats four months! Oh god, I've never been away from my home for more then three weeks. I will be forced to get up and do something. I have a few apprehensions toward meeting new people but I think it is all for the best.

I have managed to talk a friend of mine into going with me, that is great because he has a sister and brother that live their and will let us stay with them until we find an apartment. That means we don't have to try and find an apartment before we actually get there, which would be a pain in the ass.

song of the moment: built to spill: strange

I finally got my built to spill-ancient melodies of the future cd in the mail today.. It is alot better then I expected, this band is great. They have a wonderful indie feel to them that sucks me in. if you havent heard them you should download the songs 'strange' and 'the weather'. go get them now! GO! GO!
Although I have only had the cd for about an hour I have already found 'strange' to be my new anthem..

a little excerpt from 'the weather.' great lyrics.
"do you want in to the outside / in the cool night? / where the stars gravitate toward you? / do you want in to the outside / in the cool night? / where the fog wraps itself around you? / do you want in to the outside / in the sunshine? / where the clouds take their places for you? / and the wind and snow and the rain that blows / none of those would matter much without you / and as long as it's talking with you / talk of the weather will do "

A good friend of mine is in the beginning process of producing a small indie magezine. He put me in charge of the album review section. My first review is of Travis's new album, the invisible band. I would like to get some peoples opinions before I start giving him the reviews.. so here goes nothin:
________________
Travis
"The Invisible Band"

Its nice to know that in the midst of a generation in which music is driven more by the media rather then the heart, there is still a band that follows its morals. That band is Travis and there album "the invisible band" is an impeccably beautiful album.

Travis manages to mix entrancing melodies with sweeping melancholic lyrics. This album nearly brought me to tears, then turned around and made me smile. This album is very emotionaly striking, Travis has the ability to take simple songs and make them a three dimensional emotional rollercoaster.

While its said that the vocals are similar to that Thom Yorke, even a die-hard Radiohead fan will find a unique and entrancing quality that is all its own on this album. This album is nearly flawless in my eyes, the lyrics are written very well and delivered even better. Travis has created an audio masterpiece with "The invisible band." A masterpiece that should not go unnoticed.
________________

I know you want to tell me what you thought, so just go ahead and push the comments link.. :)

song of the moment- radiohead: you never wash up after yourself

My father lives about twenty minutes from Portland. That is one of the things that scares me the most about moving their, not that he's a bad guy or anything, he's just a bad father. The last time I talked to him was November of last year, he told me several times in the conversation that he was sending me a check for christmas.. well, I am still waiting for that check. I really don't know why someone would do that. I mean shit, he tells me every year that he is sending me something.. You know what? The last thing I can remember getting from him was a remote controlled car when I was eleven. but anyways, Im over that for the most part.. Ive managed to block him out of my life.

Now that I am moving near him I can not avoid him anymore, obligations can be a horrible thing sometimes. I am afraid that I may like him, afraid that I will find out that I am just like him. It worries me to death to know I may be like him, maybe it shouldnt. Maybe he is a great person? Considering our relationship has never really been more then nonexistent, the only judgement that I have toward him is that he doesn't send me gifts when he sais he will. Maybe there is a good reason that he has lied to me all these years, maybe times were ruff and he couldn't afford gifts.

When I think about it I can't really think of a good explanation as to why he would lie to me, he is my father and a father is supposed to love and cherish his child right? shit. So many unanswered questions left for me to fill in the blank. I just wish that he would call me and explain the situation, one simple phone call would make all the difference in the world. Even if it was just to say that he screwed up and that he was sorry, or even if he just wanted to tell me that he couldn't play the father role anymore. Anything.

oh god, sitting here. alot of past feeling are coming up all of a sudden and im not really sure why. it feels as though there is a twenty pound weight sitting on my chest. I wish I wasnt sitting here in my room staring at a computer screen, I wish I was a people person, I wish could just live life rather then just float through it. I hate the fact that I don't like to socialize, I hate the fact that I have to reach a certain comfort level to even socialize. It is very hard to make friends when you don't talk to anyone, I mean shit.. I have a few friends- But I want a best friend, I want a friend that I can spill my guts to and sit up all night talking too. I find it extremely difficult to find people like me, am I not putting off the vibe that I think I am? Am I not the person I think I am? Do people picture me completely differently then I do myself? damn it, so many questions.

I miss the days as a child when I worried only about my days happenings. Losing a toy is a monumental loss when you are 6, I miss that. I miss being tucked in at night, I miss looking out my window and seeing infinite possibilities, I miss waking up in the morning and being excited. I miss, I miss, I miss. I miss being confident in myself, I miss knowing who I am, I miss knowing that I had things under control.. oh god do I miss.

Now that I am out of high school everything is encredibly uncertain. I wish life were easy, but I suppose its that bad points that make the good so good. I just wish the good would come. God I hope it comes soon.

song of the moment: elliot smith: between the bars
god I love this song.
Today I had to give a guy a ride home, all I have to do is describe his surrounding and the rest will fill in. I drove him home in his vehicle, which was the biggest damn Ford f-350 you will ever see. When I got in I immediately wanted to get out, but this is my job and my paycheck.. so I stayed. I had a strange feeling in there.

Sitting on the dash was a hat. The hat had a picture of a gun on it with the words "Gun Control is being able to hit your target." Playing in the background was Rush Limbaugh. I dropped him off at his work, a car body shop. This man was hard, I felt very intimidated by him. The whole time I was driving I was thinking, "Oh god, Im sitting next to a gun loving, conservative die hard." This guy is the opposite of me, the sight of a gun makes me nervous. And I really dislike most conservative views, particularly George Bush's.

I want to go back to Europe where people are friendly and don't feel the need to advocate gun use, and flaunt there own willingness to shoot something.

I always enjoy a blog that goes below the surface, and today I found another one. I may be the last one to know about it for all I know but I definately want to post the address anyways.
Her name name is Jenny and I must say I was moved by her entries. And I think you will be too. if she hadnt left me a comment I probably never would have found her.

somebody PLEASE leave a comment! I am so bored

song of the moment: guided by voices: fair touching
Ok, hears the deal..
My Mom found my blog, apparently they were trying to find a website on there computer, they couldnt find it so they looked in there history to see if it was in there.. well, she saw that girlunder.net was in there and she did not know what it was(I had used there computer a while back).. so she opened it up. A link to my site happened to be the first post on there. She clicked it not knowing it was my site, and she was directed straight to the most personal thing that belongs to me. I found all this out because I was on there computer today and I happened to check the history, not only did she read my main page.. but every page in my archive. I was speechless. I called my mom and asked her if she had read my weblog, she said she had read something but didn't really know what it was. I explained to her that it was my online journal of sorts and that it is basically my place to post all the random thoughts that flow out of my brain and on to the screen. I have deleted my archive due to the fact that I do not want my parents reading them again.. The new archives will start now.

Well, anyways I came home after work to find a letter of apology for invading my privacy waiting for me on my bed. That was a great thing to do, I really appreciated it. I also recieved my new Guided by voices cd in the mail..

I will keep updating my blog, although it may not be so personal because there will always be a nagging feeling that my parents may see it... and I apologize for that. I really try to hide nothing.

I also got my letter of recommendation from Mrs. Bartman today. It is a great letter, I really think it will help my chances. maybe I'll post it later if I get bored?

it seems someone that I really didn't want reading this blog has been. you know who you are.. it is down for now. i am sorry.

and just to let you know the posts on here are random thoughts, many of which have no significance at all. its just like a journal, and I apologize if anything offended you..

Man drown's in cats water bowl. holy shit.

song of the moment: built to spill: carry the zero
I just got an email from Mrs. Bartman (my old computer teacher from highschool) she has my letter of recommendation finished. That means that I can send off my application to the Art Institute of Portland tomorrow, or the next day. Oh geez, Im scared already.

I finally showed my two entrance essays to my mom tonight (entrance essay and letter of explanation for my shitty grades). She said she was impressed, that felt pretty good coming from my mom. I hope she knows that I am actually an intelligent person despite my lackadaisical attitue toward High School. I don't think she realizes how difficult it really was for me, I have a fear of large crowds and on top of that I am very insecure. I spent most of my time avoiding social situations rather then focusing on my schoolwork.

Oh well, I just hope that the Portland Art Institue accepts me. Being in a setting with artistic and likeminded students will really be a help. I won't have to pretend to be a person I am not, I won't have to pretend that I like someone that I don't, and I will be in an invironment that nurtures the artist in me. Oh god, I am sick of trying to be myself in a place that discourages originality. It seems as though I am stuck in a pre-defined role and all I want to do is break out of it, yet everyone else thinks its strange that I would want to break out of it.. I wish people would open there eyes once in a while, look beyond the surface.. So much is overlooked.

paint the moon?

As you can see you can see you can now leave comments :) Please let me know if the new design is loading correctly, I was looking at it today on a different computer and it loaded wrong.. I did some fine tuning and hopefully it works right now.

I shaved off my gote today(how the hell do you spell go-tee?). It was unplanned actually, I looked in the mirror and noticed that it was a little long, so I decided to trim it up a bit.. Well, I trimmed it down to the skin on accident and was forced to shave it all off. That sucks because the last two months I've had it I have really become attached to it. (huh?). I forgot what my chin looks like, and it looks a little funny to me. It'll grow back though..

About a month ago I took a trip to europe with a friend of mine, it was absolutely incredible. I am going to make a site dedicated to the trip that will include pictures and comments about the places I went too; switzerland, germany, the netherlands (amsterdam hehe), and france. It was an incredible experience that I would like to share with everyone. Its going to take me a while to set it all up since I don't have immediate access to a scanner.. a couple of weeks tops.

hey my archive page is up and working correctly now, the missing posts are now found.
there really isn't much there, but in time.. in time.

ok, I got the site working properly now. I couldn't get it to look the way I wanted it too but thats alright. Please let me know what you think of the site.

damn it, this site is just not doing what I want it too.

the redesign is fucking up right now, ill fix it here in a sec.. just hold tight

This weekend was very interesting. It all begain when.. .
The original plan was to fly up to Anchorage to see Bill Cosby, but that fell thru and I had about 20 minutes to get ready to drive up. I was also told that we would be staying at my great uncle Don's house in Eagleriver so that we could go to the Palmer fair the next day.

Ayways, I departed for my two and a half hour drive to Anchorage. Loaded with tons of cds and some orange juice. Without even thinking about it I played Travis-the man who three times in a row.. god I love that band. When we got to Anchorage we ate at Wendys, my parents always go to Wendys when they go to Anchorage.. Im not really sure why because there food isnt that great and all of the workers look like they should be chained together in a chaingang.

We made it to the Atwood Concert Hall about 10 minutes before Bill started (not the sullivan, I was mistaken in fridays post). I wasn't really sure what to expect, I was never a Bill Cosby fan actually, I liked him in the jello commercials though :) I was pleasantly surprised when he came out, he immediately got a standing ovation.. (im not really sure why, he hadnt done anything yet). He had a great feeling about him, he connected with the audience very well. His performance was very personalized, he didn't just stand up there and tell jokes.. He got down with audience and talked with them rather then too them. All in all he did a great job, I especially liked the joke where he insinuated that Adam masturbated alot and that is why eve was created..:)

When we left we went to my uncle Don's house, where I proceeded to sleep on the floor minus a pillow between my two brothers. Besides the fact that both of my brothers at some point in the night rolled on me and woke me up, I slept pretty good.

The next day we went to the state fair. Where I did the following: officially registered as a member of the green party! At some greasy nachos, road a couple rides, played with my sisters new baby, watched alot of people carry on with there fun day at the fair.. It was nice spending time with my family, particularly my mom. I never really talk to my mom, Im not really sure why. She is a great mom. Sometimes I just feel that she doesn't really know me and making an attempt at showing her the real side of me will just shatter the sense of stability that is in our family. Not that I really have anything to hide, its just that my parents are old fashioned. My mom likes to work in the kitchen and wait on my step dad hand and foot. This drives me insane, I think that a family is a unit where everything is split evenly. They are happy the way they are, it really doesn't make sense too me..

On our way back from the fair I stopped at my friends house in Anchorage. He wasnt home. I really miss hanging out with him, getting stoned and becoming philosophers.. we could talk for hours about things that would normally get me some pretty strange looks by anyone else. I left a note on his door saying that I had a cell phone and that I would be in Anchorage till nine. (i had borrowed a cell phone from my parents). I went to CompUsa and drooled all over everything I can't have, I found just about everything I have ever wanted in there.(does that make me a geek?) I left before I made a mistake and spent money I didnt have. After that I went to Borders, where I picked up the self-titled elliot smith cd I didnt have yet and built to spill- keep it like a secret. the elliot smith cd just reinforced my belief that he is a genius. I hadn't listened to built to spill prior to this album, it has a strange pixies feel to it which I liked.. It sounds like one of those cd's that grow on you.

I left Anchorage around nine, no call from my friend. I stopped halfway back to visit a stream I always stop at. I don't think very many people know about it, you have to follow a trail back into the woods. It is absolutely beautiful, there is a small foot bridge going over it. Its in the middle of a valley with mountains on all four sides. Definately worth stopping at. One time I stopped there and somebody was panning for gold, that was pretty neat. if you ever come to alaska ask me for directions.

those are my thoughts, please digest and spit out the ones you don't want.

song of the moment: elliot smith: rose parade
Im back now, but too tired to write anything..
I will say this though, I've noticed that this page loads differently on every browser I've looked at it with. Im starting a redesign to replace this one, if it turns out like I plan it will be pretty nice.

hey thanks for the compliments!